Melting Flakes of Snow Will Catch You When You Fall

Thursday, March 4, 2010 9:19 PM, EST

Fold yourself against
Me like a paper bird
Tonight we'll fly awhile
Just give me the word
And hold onto me
Like I hold onto you
A steeple holds a bell
The night sky holds the moon
Melting flakes of snow
Will catch you when you fall
Baby that's not all
Then like falling stars
Back down to sleep will go
Into our waiting arms
In orbits round the glow
Cover lets and down
Will catch you when you fall
Baby that's not all (Josh Ritter)

Davi

d and I were able to hold MG for the very first time on Tuesday (see photos). Perhaps, because we had built it up so much, it was bound to flounder. It ended up being a sad and stressful experience for me (David reports things going a bit better for him). When the nurse took her out of her isolette, we discovered she made loud noises when she inhaled. It is called Stridor syndrome and is caused by a narrowing of her upper airway (this is in addition to the stenosis/edema lower down in her subglottis). The effect is that she squeeks when she breathes. But when she is upset, it is harder for her to breath. When she was put in my arms, she writhed and the sound began to get louder and louder until she was squawking. She would not calm down. We made eye contact but only for a moment; she did not respond to my voice as she can when I talk to her through the portholes. We were strangers. It felt like she was a baby bird fallen from her nest and I was the unfamiliar hands that picked her up. The squawking escalated and her oxygen dipped. The nurse took her away and spent ten more minutes quieting her down in her bed. Because the doctors are now concerned about this upper airway along with the area they dilated and her chronic lung disease, the nurses have not wanted to upset her again and have postponed us holding her again. She needs to remain calm and holding her doesn't calm her now. It's something like her breathing that requires practice and patience.

I've been pretty nervous since Tuesday, especially as she inches back up on oxygen and her chronic lung disease shows itself. And this, even before she is weaned off the steroids that are helping keep her airway and lungs clear. But today, she remained steady and she was easy to calm after waking. David made her a mix for the new iPod I bought her. (Yes, 2 weeks shy of age 0 and she already has one). We discovered she likes Springsteen but not the Dixie Chicks. I'd say she has classic taste except she likes my singing "Go to Sleep Little Baby" the best.

We hope we can find enough soothing methods to help her keep her oxygen needs down low enough as she weans off the steriods to convince the doctors to let her continue on CPAP. Today, David and I visited separetely, but we both felt more confident about her and that we can try holding her again soon. There was no concrete evidence for this, just a sense, kind of like the one I felt while she was in the operating room when it was snowing outside.

Until then, we'll keep playing our iPod's, especially songs by our favorite singer-songwriter, Josh Ritter.

Melting flakes of snow
Will catch you when you fall
Baby that's not all