Grace meets her Grandmother, Mimi

From January 12, 2010

Tuesday, January 12, 2010 10:47 PM, EST

Day 13

Not much progress to report in Margaret Grace's medical condition. She is staying put at the higher vent levels while she recuperates from this weekend and while we wait for the 2nd dose of medication to close the ductus.

She did get to meet her grandmother

, Mimi, my mother, tonight. She met grandfather Doc, at 3 days old, when my father returned James to us. They are experienced NICU grandparents as my niece, Mary Harriet, (also named after a strong grandmother) was also born at 28 weeks (weighing only a pound, 3 ounces, but fortunately with mature enough lungs to avoid the ventilator). Upon meeting Margaret Grace, my father said "it's not as scary this time around." This was as good an affirmation as any at that point. And surely, Mary Harriet's miraculous journey has strengthened our faith in God and medicine and prepared us all for this journey.

That said it is not easy to introduce my mother to Grace. When I planned a natural childbirth for James, I asked Mom to wait to come to the hospital until he was born and the screaming was over. I felt a need to protect her from my pain. 12 weeks ago, when we were given 5-10% chances of a live birth and a much greater risk to my health, I felt the conflict of being both a mother and a daughter. On the one hand, I understood a mother's desire to keep her daughter safe on the other I knew the daughter's need to risk truly living. Each week, we looked for signs that our daughter was still growing and fighting to be born to guide us in how to best protect and love her. We knew it would be hard, but if she was up for it, so were we. She always was.
While on bed rest, I reread the myth of Demeter and her daughter, Persephone. Persephone is abducted by Hades, the God of the Underworld, who seeks to marry her. Demeter, goddess of the harvest, searches for her daughter and goes into mourning, leaving the earth scorched until she finds Persephone. Unfortunately, Persephone who had also mourned and fasted, tasted the juice of three pomegranite seeds while in the underworld. This act bound her to live in hell with Hades for three months of the year and only allowed her to live on earth with her mother for the rest.

The myth suggests that Persephone is resilient, finding something to love about her new home and husband, but that Demeter experiences each loss as wrenching as the initial one. When it is time for Persephone to descend and live in the Underworld, Demeter again scorches the earth that before the abduction had been fertile all year round. And all living things experience winter and dying.

As I watched my mother's reflection through the incubator and Grace laboring inside, I realize that our pain can feel so much greater than it usually is, when seen through our mother's eyes.

There will be difficult days ahead, more difficult than even these last three, but this is the path we have chosen, Grace and I. I wish I could go to the underworld to be with her. But I can't, and I can't fully know the reserves of resilience she is creating.

I look forward to the day when the three months are over and Spring comes.