Walk by Faith and Not by Sight

Sunday, January 17, 2010 7:45 PM, EST

DAY 18

I'm getting ready to return to church next week and so today's inspiration draws on the imagery of the tradition I serve.

Hymn 399: We Walk by Faith and Not by Sight

We walk by faith and not by sight;
   No gracious words we hear
   From Christ, who spoke as none e'er spoke;
   But we believe Him near.

2.  We may not touch His hands and side,
   Nor follow where He trod;
   But in His promise we rejoice,
   And cry, "My Lord and God!"

3.  Help then, O Lord, our unbelief;
   And may our faith abound
   To call on You when You are near
   And seek where You are found:

4.  That, when our life of faith is done,
   In realms of clearer light
   We may behold You as You are,
   With full and endless sight.

I went to see Grace today and not much has changed with her lungs since yesterday. She was back under the blue light for her jaundice and wearing her full head mask that obscures her face.
Her blood was desaturatin

g a lot due to the apnea sending alarms off every minute or so, therefore I couldn't touch her or speak to her as she needed her rest. I find that the more aware I am of how sensitive to stimulation she is, the more sensitive to the outside I become. She lives in an isolette for a reason. I find that a hospital is its own kind of isolette and so is living on the line between life and death, health and illness. I feel in some ways a delay in relating to the outside world. I feel a desire to say only what is necessary. I feel a need not to be embraced until I can hold her. So it is when hope and grief overwhelm one's senses so that too much talking and embracing can feel more destabilizing than intended. It will be a long time before we can kangaroo with Grace (hold her body to our bare chest). She must be off the ventilator and the CPAP for that. There's no way of telling how long that will be.

I prayed lines from this hymn as I read the postings of missing persons in Haiti on the nytimes.com website. I remembered similar postings on the brick walls of St Vincent's, the hospital that is Grace's home, during the month of September 2001.

"We walk by faith and not by sight...
We cannot touch his hands and side...
Help, then, O Lord, our unbelief..."

For all those who find loved ones and God too remote or missing this week.

"May we behold you as you are,
With full and endless sight."